Surface level.
This post is meant to explain a bit of the topsy-turvy happening right now in my life. I’m doing my best to communicate to my people some things on the surface and some things beneath the surface-- My story. My perspective. My assumptions. My grief. My hope.
Let me start with this photo:
This picture was taken by my mom as I gave a sermon at Hillside Church of the Nazarene. Hillside is where I first felt God say, "It's ok to doubt like Peter but still keep up the good deeds of love." It is the place where I had Jesus' love overtake me in a new way that redirected my life from wanting to be a bit of a nomad environmentalist to a person who cares for humanity and creation in crazy ways. Behind me is the field I fled to on many occasions to cry to God, "Why?" -- Why is my heart broken? Why do I not fit in? Why is school so hard? Why is my family so dysfunctional?
This picture shows me wearing a black shirt with a clerical collar and bright slacks-- a simple uniform. I’m wearing my hair cut short, which is comfortable for me (and, if I am honest, it is a way that I stick it to the patriarchy who says long hair is “more desirable”). I am in sandals because it is California, and who really wants to wear shoes?
The outfit might seem unremarkable-- but there’s more to it than what’s on the surface. It is nearly a repeat of the outfit I wore when my life went topsy-turvy. The only difference: the shoes. In this photo, in sandals, I am the most authentic version of myself; but the first time I wore it, I wore some nice low-rise black heels.
I am a person who overthinks, and when it comes to interviews or public events my outfit is often where it starts. On March 9, 2021, I had my interview for my licensing in the Church of the Nazarene, the interview in which I could be recommended for ordination. I chose to wear my collar (as seen in the picture), because for me it takes away the focus from me to God, and reminds me and others that I am called to account my actions to God first. It reminds me of my vocation, and it lets others easily pick me out of a crowd as clergy. I picked the pants because I love coral; and I thought, "No skirt for this feminist!" All paired with the black heels, I felt confident and professional, ready for an important interview.
Even though I had an outfit that made me feel confident, I still went into this meeting with mixed feelings. I was confident in my calling and my education, because I have my MDIV from Nazarene Theological Seminary and have been serving in the COTN since I graduated high school. But I had been feeling discouraged about finding a pastoral placement as it became clear to me that many churches, including the church I had been serving at for three years (and attending for five), would rather have a male leader than a female one. I went in knowing I was going to be asked several kinds of questions… but the first question jokingly asked by a pastor of one of the larger churches in the area was why I wore a clerical collar. I was not expecting to have to justify my use of a professional uniform amongst other professional colleagues. My nerves, already high, skyrocketed.
I went in to this interview knowing I would be specifically asked to clarify two of my ten answers from the Kansas City Districts “KCD Board of Ministry – Questionnaire for 2021.” Because I was requested to limit responses to 250 words, I knew there was more to be said. Those two questions, as written, were:
8. The Church of the Nazarene asks her members to abstain from drinking alcoholic beverages. Why do you believe the Church has taken this stance – what are the theological and social reasons for doing so? Do you practice abstinence from alcoholic beverages?
9. Please read Manual Paragraph 31 on Human Sexuality. (http://2017.manual.nazarene.org/section/human-sexuality-and-marriage/) How do you feel about this statement and the Church’s stance on all of these issues? Are there parts of it that are easier to accept and support? Are there parts that you disagree with or struggle to embrace? In your application, you are asked to answer the following question: “Are you in full sympathy and hearty accord with the standards, doctrines and government of the Church of the Nazarene?’ and ‘Will you wholeheartedly support the Church and its institutions?’ Regarding Manual paragraph 31, are you able to answer Yes to both of these questions?
These two questions were asked last year as well, and I spoke about my differing opinions and my hope that there was space for multiple perspectives. My responses on this year’s questions did not differ from the year before, except that I had been abstaining from alcohol after the 2020 interview (not necessarily from personal conviction, but from a desire to be obedient and submit to the process). I was told it was OK for me to have differing views, but that I needed to live by the church’s Code of Conduct, to which I agreed. Multiple people on different district’s boards had said something along the lines of, “As long as you will not teach contrary to the Church of the Nazarene’s stance, you will be fine.” I thought I fit well enough in this denomination. I thought it would be seen that I was committed to this family of Christ, and that this family would stay committed to me.
I was wrong.
From these two questions I was pressed on only one-- sexuality. There were three people there to interview me (two local pastors and the district superintendent) who kept pushing the question. I wasn't willing to say I thought a same sex relationship was a sin. I said I wouldn't teach contrary to the church, and I wouldn't officiate a wedding (per our manual), but I also said that this wasn't something I thought as a non-negotiable thing for myself as a minister. I was asked what I would say if sexuality came up during a church membership class, as one pastor said it always does, (but it hasn’t in the few I have been a part of). I made it clear that even if I were asked for my personal opinion in a membership class, I would point to the manual of the denomination, because they are taking a class for membership in the denomination, not for Pastor Katie’s church. They didn’t find this realistic or believable. The thing is, they didn’t ask if I had ever taught on sexuality in the church before. I have, and I was able to do so without it being about me. Because the thing is, that in any church denomination there are an array of personal beliefs present, and as a minister I want to help people learn to figure out why they believe what they believe, and to make sure it is always wrapped up in the love of Christ which does not divide but unites and makes all things new.
At the end of the interview, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be ordained, but I could keep my license at least, because they made it clear I was called by God and was doing good work. The DS said that I've changed on other matters so maybe in the next year I'd change on this. I explained I stopped drinking alcohol out of obedience, but that my opinion hasn't changed and wouldn’t.
I received a call the next day from the DS and he let me know that since I was clear that my stance would not change on sexuality, the board was not comfortable ordaining me and therefore also thought it not honest to renew my license since the purpose is for ordination. They thought my differing opinions on human sexuality were incompatible with the Church of the Nazarene; they could not merely accept my clear willingness to faithfully teach the stances of the denomination, but insisted that if I did not actually agree wholeheartedly that they would never ordain me.
Here is a portion of the email I received explaining their decision in their own words, which sheds light on the whole situation:
Katie,
You have been in my thoughts and prayers today.
As you have been made aware, the action of the Board of Ministry is to not renew a district license. This action has not been made in haste. One of the committee members that met with you said, 'all four of us in the room felt heart-broken.'
Manual paragraph 231.3 regarding duties of the Board of Ministry reads, "To carefully inquire of each candidate and make any other investigation deemed advisable concerning his or her personal experience of salvation; personal experience of entire sanctification by the baptism with the Holy Spirit; knowledge of the doctrines of the Bible; full acceptance of the doctrines, the Covenant of Christian Character and the Covenant of Christian Conduct, and the polity of the church; evidence of graces, gifts, intellectual, moral, and spiritual qualifications, and general fitness for the ministry to which the candidate feels called."
Your transparency is admirable. It speaks to the quality of your character. Your gifts and graces for ministry are abundant and you willingly demonstrate your talents for the Kingdom of God. I have bolded the statement, 'full acceptance of the doctrines' above. You have stated your undeniable disagreement regarding the Church of the Nazarene position on Human Sexuality. The outcome of the decision by the Board of Ministry would remain consistent if the subject were different. Any admission to disagree with the doctrine of the Church would conclude with a non-renewal of credentials.
You are loved and belong in the Church of the Nazarene. Your membership in the Nazarene Church remains strong. It is my hope that *the church I had been at* Church of the Nazarene continues to benefit from your service and ministry.
My continued prayers to you and John, may the peace of God overwhelm and even surprise you in these days.
So now where am I? I am no longer licensed to minister in the denomination that has been my home. My last day on staff at a church I love was March 18, 2021. I am weeping in a coffee shop as I admit that one year ago, I thought I might be at that church for decades to come. To this church: I am sorry I couldn’t walk the line that was drawn out by the denomination; I thought I was walking the line as honestly and faithfully as I could. I adore you and you will always be my siblings in Christ.
As this photo demonstrates, I made a beautiful new memory with this outfit. I preached my last sermon as a minister in the Nazarene denomination. I served the eucharist the final time as a minister in the Nazarene denomination. These were special because they are ways we remind all the world (including ourselves) that Christ came, died, was not held down, and will return to make all things right. I don’t fully understand this, hence the mystery, but I love the process of figuring out how much God loves us all.
I have found a local parish (United Methodist Church) that is supportive and loving to me. I am not sure if this will be where I land in the future as a minister; for now, I am just waiting for God to restore my spirit, and this has been a good place.
I do not regret speaking truthfully in the interview; I would not have done anything differently. I had been advised that the key thing was agreeing to teach the doctrines of the Church of the Nazarene, which I was completely prepared to do. I wish I did not have people say this rejection would never happen; they were wrong, and my perceived future paid for it.
It’s been a few months since these events, and I’m finally ready to update people on this very big change in my life. I am now sorting through a weird, topsy-turvy season. Everyone close to me knows that I have been working toward ordination with the church of the Nazarene for many many years, and this change in my circumstances might be equally strange for them.
I’m not telling my story to get people mad or angry with the Naz church, just to include my people in my journey. Yes, there are nights when all I want is to take a long bath, drink a glass of wine, and have a good cry. But there also are days where I laugh so hard I cry. I already feel freedom in being able to change my profile picture frame to align with Pride Month and asking friends to join me for happy hour. I guess I am an optimist today. This is not at all the season I had been planning for. Was I ready for it? No way! But I trust that God will use all of this for good and in that I put my hope.